Her: a story

How do I choose the best words that can convey whats hidden in her heart and stored behind her eyes. She is but stalled in some unfortunate times, inshaAllah these long minutes will become hours, hours to days, and everything will be history. I must wipe off her footsteps for I never wish anyone to take her path. this post is reserved for the confused and lonely. It will shower you with grief and turmoil. But with every Fitnah, comes a reason. The reason needs to be shetlered in a patient heart. Thus, this life is a never ending tale, but today, I will fold one chapter of one life that has been longing to be closed.

وَجَعَلۡنَا بَعۡضَڪُمۡ لِبَعۡضٍ۬ فِتۡنَةً أَتَصۡبِرُونَ

And We have appointed some of you a test for others: Will ye be Patiente?

If this story is painted with a brush, it will consist of a composition of nothingness....meaningless....because the acknowledgment of a "Last Day" crumbles the very thought living, the very thought of feeling, the very thought of anything but praying...
---
"Her"
It just so happens that these very eyes witness the misfortunes of others, not alone hers. Her experiences took me through a long journey, starting from the beginning. I would never say she was unlucky, because everything is reasoned in The All-knower. Her experiences with men carved her opinion of them from an early age: unhearted, selfish, self-made ranked that is beyond the woman's capability of understanding.

Growing up with a bipolar father that comforted his emotions by abuse, she alternatly resorted in a very special place called 'paradice': the corner of her room! She disconnected her heart from her mind when realizing what is happening to her didn't make sense.

Everything around her was a painted nightmare that seemed to last for a lifetime. As a child, She was put in situations that made her pick and choose whom to love, and whom to hate. At most times, it was between her parents. When her answer did not satisfy and comply with the questioner, she received her "medicine". on and on until her heart disconnected from the hidden 4 walls of a place called "home".

When a bad day turned to nightmare merely from not saying "good morning".... well, a poem she wrote the night when it all happened:

"The anticipation of a wide smile to fold around my longiness
became a poisonous snake wrapped around my throat.
It prohibited the ability to comprehend this irony,
and to face the monster that i once loved.
i was accused of having too much pride,
to bow down to the one who abandoned.
To the one who foresaw but never spoke,
has witnessed my soul departing to insanity.
Dominos, one by one, falling down in a path,
that lead to the final strike directed to my finale.
My life hid behind the caves of my eyes,
seeking the one breath so i can make a sound.
Hesitant to continue the Rhythm of Pain?
Why? continue as you wish. i'm already DEAD!
You left me with nothing but a memory,
that relapsed everytime i dreamt.
Never were my intentions to disrespect you,
but were part of a confusion that didn't make sense.
But one thing that i forever question,
Why was i returned and not left as a closed case?
Instead i'm living the effects of one nightmare,
that made my soul an extended scar.
Hidden behind layers of deceitful smiles,
waiting for an answer to the prayer that i made from afar."
Her: age 12

She remembered the year she turned 12 by the seizure caused by a big blow to her head, and memories that practicly empaired her from ever loving or trusting a single soul again, well...until she met ALLAH. but before then, she found comfort and resorted to other measures. Measures that no one knew, measures that made her forget the real torture but merely torturing herself.
For the next 7 years, she performed to what became daily rituals that if continued, Damnation to hell is guaranteed. Behind closed doors, she broke the glass mirror, took a piece and carved through her soul. One led to another, starting from the top. She vowed that when reaching o her wrist, that would be the END. On and on she let the pain drain out ...

"A sunny sky became a dark trail,
that converted my happy smile to a tearful eye.
I saw my hands trembling around me,
covering my soul from exerting a loud cry.
An invitation to corrupt my tender thoughts,
that slowly opened the gates of my sanity.
I closed my eyes, overfilled with memories,
entering through my world of fantasy.
The dark shadow held the sharp torch,
that eternally carved into my remembrance.
A hurtful *sigh* concluded the never-ending nightmare,
yet the sight of scars brought its reminiscence."
Her: Age 13

Her resort caused another obsession that was named a "ED". Ed started from an acquaintace to a long lost love. ED was not a human, but everything within her. It composed her thoughts in the morning until the very closing of her eyes in the morning. It was the reason of her existance, but the reason that lead her to more turmoil. Meet ED (Eating Disorder):

"Slowly drain your worries

Time fast-forward your anxiousness

Feed your hollow thoughts

Fill yourself temporarily

Until you become numb

Then corner your thoughts down the drain

If your hands have made such

Let them tear down what’s done

Twist your self tight

Wipe the rest on the unaware

Cage in of what’s left

And destine your dreams to the possible

Don’t loose yourself to what’s not

Reality could overturn your hopes

The eyes have a clever way of telling

So shut them tight and run…"
Her: Age 14

She ran indeed. She ran away from everyone and everything, became a hollow self that lost her sense of purpose to life, the reason to live for. But She found one thing, Ed was always by her side, understanding her very pain and patted her in the back whenever something went wrong. Her grades slowly drained with the food she dispersed, skipped lunch just so she can do 1001 crunches on the bathroom floor, and remained trumbling on this state until the night when the sharpest of knives gave her the ONE solution to a never ending nightmare.

Holding on to it so tight against my stomach, but one thing blurred the image of what's going to happen next: HELL. She knew that if the knife entered the soul, this will be a one way ticket to damnation. She knew that if the knife entered the soul, this will be the one thing that will stop everything from continuing. She knew that if the knife entered the soul, this will be foreover. She knew..... She prayed. To whom though? To the one that also didnt exist in her heart, to the one that she thought betrayed her as well.....to the only one that would save her from her self. She fell asleep and the last thing that left her lips was a Dua :

"Ya Allah,
if you have a greater purpose for my life,
a greater reason for me to continue my life,
since you found a reason to make me born,
then let me live.
But if you know....
if you know more tears will fall,
more blood will be shed,
more pain will be felt,
then let me die.
you make me die,
take my breath away,
and never wake up again."

She woke up the next day, with a knife beside her, Sun shinning in her window, something that she never took a care of noticing such before. A feeling instilled in her heart that rhymed as such:

"My eyes never cry, my heart stops loving

And I smile in spite of all

Some wonder how I take and hide

And how I leave.

My back still curves, my teeth still hurts

And at night, my eyes are still awake

I just shield myself with a thick dark layer;

Wail of sadness but no one hears…

A forced excursion from my mind to my mouth

Scraped the hands that helped the thoughts wash away

If you look so closely, you will read the lines

the wants to eradicate these killing thoughts off my mind

so I set my knees on the cold marble

a hand holding tight what’s left of my heart

fingers grabbing the soul by it’s fingers

and ripping it’s pain away until I’m weightless

a long-lasting stare into the meadow of my dream

painted on the vision that’s hanging by a thread

ready to disappear when I close my eyes

I wake to a state that exacerbates my optimism"
Her: Age 14

If anything that she learned about God, if anythign at all, she knew of heaven and hell...hanged by a thread indeed. This thread lead her to find answers, but she found everything but answers. Filled by questions, really, she wanted to fill her voidness by anything...until she met her Lord.
tumbling between faith and dispair, a journey that took longer then she thought. She knew it would be difficult to unravel her self from a this web she's tangled in, but unwanted accusations and words of imperfections kept beating her intentions lower for every step she took forward.

"Determined to exclude such happenings from history

Detach the moments when everything got rearranged

Despise you for bringing my own faults

Do you even remember tangling me to you

Depress whom you can, but only one tear I’ll shed for you

Deprive my misery by not setting your eyes on mine

Dissertation was your last resort to see me fall

Damn your soul, whom brought me, and left me to hold

Derailed in my mind, I only wanted a piece of your heart

Deaf were your ears, you heard a song when I screamed.

Danced to my rhythm of pain, made a deadly move

Defenseless soul watched the falling of its sanity

“Daughter, feed from what your hands have done!”

Demoralize me while denying your capabilities?

Deceive whom you want, I have what you left, a heart in 5 pieces

Decease your memories, but mine are forever engraved in my arms

Denounce my name that commemorate your state of being

Departing without a farewell deepened my realization

Damaged my mortality and cursed my soul……..

Designed me a world only its doors are shut and me on my knees."
Her: Age 15

It seemed every decision, every step that she took towards the road to salvation, got shut down by a "higher authority". Hijab, he lifted it off her head....her prayer, they were "meaningless, because she disobeyed!".... her heart, "just like her mothers!". She thought she eradicated the feeling of cutting or purging, but once more, she tumbled into the dark abyss she came to despise.

"It’s not your fault I keep on telling you

But you won’t listen; you choose to carve in your soul

Every time it hurts to live through it once more

Scream so you won’t have to listen to his voice

Try to sleep through the words that scream your imperfections

Everyday a blue print spells the date to his existence

And now your confined to a corner that is stained red

The only witness to this mess are his hands."
Her's best friend: Age 15

There was a friend whom she confined in, her name is "rahma". After a long time of not trusting, Rahma gave her every reason to trust in her. Rahma was there for her where no one else seemed to have an empty shoulder to cry on, when everyone turned their back on her, when everything didnt make sense...Rahma was there, just one call away.

"Her"'s mind started to unravel around the peaceful religion...her heart started to trumble upon Allah's words, follow it, and reasoned with it. She became to know the concept of Fate, of Fitna, of Love, of confinding to Allah. She found a great example, Mohammed SAW. She slowly started to find answers to the long bottled up question: why me? But now, she asked the one up above rather then her destructed self...

"Show me the way to Forgive, allow me to let go…

Paint over the vision that’s stuck in my head,

Listen to the sound that deafened my sanity,

If you see me, then extinct my soul from such happenings.

Guide me through your metaphors,

bathe me in your peacefull mind,

direct me to your loyalty,

your terms contradict my thoughts.

Show me the way to Forget, allow me to let go…

Remove my every inhibition from my core,

Return my wings so I can set out,

As high as my solitude can guide.

Shift my every intention to the side,

Certain entity has read me wrong,

It let me go, and I fell into a void,

Weakened arms can’t pull me out."
Her: Age 16

(Fast forward to couple of years)
when Her feet are well cemented to the ground, firmly holding on to the rope of Allah, she faced the biggest FITNA of her life. Something that can't be described only by the following:

"Good Bye"
"Imagining your existence and what lives beneath you

The night I felt betrayed when your hand decided to let go

Your strength became weak when my eyes were closed

Somehow my eyes knew, so they shed a tear and mourned…

The trail you left behind you have led me to a place

Where no prayers could be answered, a soul locked in a case

I painted over the ugliness that surrounded you

I left only the bright memories you smiled on cue!

I tightly held to your finger, the closest I could meet

You steered me through a journey, standing on your feet

When time overcame my weakness, I found a shoulder ready for my fall

Doesn’t mean much when you chose to replace them all

Paralyzed, all the pride that I built had over taken

The last chance to see your eyes was forsaken

A walking shadow is all I could see by my tearfull eyes

But silence prevailed while my soul was screaming goodbyes."
Her: Age 18

(she refused to further comment, but let out a big exersion of tears with a mumble of "I can't....I can't....not right now")

to be continued....